Lent and Asbury's Second Veil of Her Most Holy

According to Wikipedia, Lent is the preparation of a Christian believer for Easter through self-denial. I think the only people who really do this are Catholics. I'm not sure because I'm Southern Baptist and the Lord knows we don't care about anyone else's traditions, particularly if they inconvenience us. Even so, every year I try to give up something, just to personally challenge and torment myself. I have given up mint chocolate chip ice cream, Dr. Pepper, sneezing, and even paper. None of these, Lord forgive me, have lasted until Easter. If people were completely honest, I think most of them would admit that the best part about Lent is going absolutely ape at the end of like two weeks and indulging in the thing they were trying to avoid. Do you know how great mint chocolate chip ice cream is when you have been purposely avoiding it for two weeks? It's AWESOME.

So this year when my husband asked, "What are you giving up for Lent this year?" he was a bit surprised to hear me announce rather triumphantly... "Nothing." That's right. I'm not giving up a damn thing. And I'm going to go ahead and say, I think God's okay with me sitting this one out. In the last month and a half I have given up fried food, cigarettes, non-diet soft drinks, and cereal. That's right. Cereal. As a matter of fact, I have been so successfully self-depriving over the past few weeks that instead of giving something up to get closer to God, my husband and I will spend this Lent season obtaining something entirely new. And we have already decided what this new thing is.

Church Softball.

We are going to join a church softball league. The challenge there, of course, is that we are not members of a church, having lived in Tulsa such a short amount of time (I throw that in there for our Southern Baptist relatives... who know quite well we lived in Huntsville for a year and weren't members of a church, and Chattanooga even longer without joining... we were just busy... okay, not that busy... give us a break we're doing it now, okay?). 

Over the next few weeks, we will be visiting and judging churches with more prejudice than Paul himself. Here are the top 10 characteristics (in no particular order) we want to see in our ideal candidates:

1.) A very boisterous pastor. We like 'em loud. 

2.) A choir that is racially slanted. Personally, I think white people are boring. And I am one. 

3.) An anti-youth movement. We really dislike your son who just bought his first Fender from your neighbor's garage sale wailing like a cat in heat to "Our God Is An Awesome God."

4.) A very-nice-old-lady population. Who doesn't love old church ladies? They cook, they smile all the time, and they always remember your birthday. The more of these, the better.

5.) Pretty scenery. Yep. I'm superficial. I don't like worshiping under fluorescent light bulbs.

6.) Relevant Sunday school classes. I don't care AT ALL about your theories on what type of fruit the forbidden tree really yielded. Let's keep it within the century, people.

7.) Regular outdoor revivals. Revivals are my FAVORITE. I have a special fan I keep just for the heat. I don't know why there aren't more of these. Maybe I should start a company. "O Lawd!"

8.) Constantly rotating tapestries. There is no denying that even the best of ministers can occasionally flop like a professional soccer player. I'm going to need something to stare at.

9.) Auditions for special music... conducted by me. If you stink, head on down to Asbury's Second Veil of her Most Holy.

10.) And of course, the driving motivation for our quest to cozy up to the Big Man, a softball team with a winning record. 

We'll let you know what we find.